I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
thank god the sign was there
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.