[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing