On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
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[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Don’t make me out nice you.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.