How dude HOW?!
You Might Also Like
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
God has abandoned us.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe