Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
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People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.