when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
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An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Is this you?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio