imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
an airline just for babies.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s