(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
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Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.