Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
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I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.