Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
prepare for carbonated trouble
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
The symmetry is uncanny.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone