So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
You Might Also Like
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
love it when they get my name right