[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
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[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.