[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
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Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
getting old is fun
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Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
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I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween