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Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.