ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
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Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.