Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
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who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly