They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
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“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I just love that new Pope smell.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there