Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
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Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.