No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Sign of the day..
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner