*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
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Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver