@GianDoh

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

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@liljonlovitz

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

@chrisdowning

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

@bewgtweets

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

@BadMikeyBad

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

@jonnysun

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

@rn_murse

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

@eye_spyder

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

@ElizaBayne

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

@3sunzzz

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!