Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
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don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal