My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”