Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Double negatives are never not confusing.
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Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya