Double negatives are never not confusing.
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.