My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Ah..makes sense now
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.