“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
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titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.