A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
You Might Also Like
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Home #decor warning.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam