Home #decor warning.
You Might Also Like
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.