Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
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Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
knights of the ikea table
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma