SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
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With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman