I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Comparing yourself to others
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.