Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
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Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
they really do be looking like this
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature