The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
😍😂🥰😂😍
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.