Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
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“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.