To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
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My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.