“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with