Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

This is what makes twitter great

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

no regrets

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born