*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
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I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days