There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
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Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
2022 be like
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
That’s it.I’m out.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.