There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
You Might Also Like
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.