*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
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My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Haha! 😂
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
How to draw a duck
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.