when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
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pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Nose
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.