Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
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Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM