Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
A dead goose is called a ghoost
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆