[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
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does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Straight people are cancelled
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.