CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.