Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
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“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.