Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– space bar
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.