Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
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Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Breaking news:
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Seems kinda suspicious
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.