@kookiedelukey

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

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@aparnapkin

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

@filmbizpro

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

@DanMentos

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

@PajamaBen_

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

@mattgallo123

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

@petemandik

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

@StellaGMaddox

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.