Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

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Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news


1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos


words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic


Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.


Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”


My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.


Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”


Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.


My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.