A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
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Two types of dogs.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
beware of dog
(jukin media)
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
“How’s your day going?”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience