“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
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I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
fixed it
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.