I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
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I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Does it…does it take 3 days
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
He a real one for that
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!