All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
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It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it