BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?